growing in love with someone

... when I was young - well much younger than I am today haha! I used to daydream about that serendipitous moment straight out of romance novel where the world would come to a halt, fireworks would happen, sparks would fly, a guy would look at me with a sparkle in his eye and... we would 'fall in love'...

 

... well I don't want to fall in love anymore - I want to 'grow in love'...

 

 

It seems like many of us are seeking to “fall in love.” That is, we are waiting for that perfect man or woman that God has planned for us in life. Symptoms of “falling in love” include the following: hopelessly believing in “love at first sight”; hoping for an unrealistic set of expectations of an ideal man/woman; seeking to be swept off our feet; waiting for the affection to be reciprocated. All these examples have one thing in common: passive way of seeking love, or looking to fall in love with someone.

 One problem with this approach is that this method relies too much on our emotions and senses. To be fair, these aren’t necessarily terrible things to look for in a relationship. As I have said in the previous post, emotional & physical attractions are necessary components of full human love. Yet, these alone do not get you very far. Love based on emotional and physical attractions are superficial at best. Hence, it needs something else for transformation towards its higher form, more perfect form of love: virtues.

 Virtues can be best described as our habitual action towards perfection (ST I-II, 55, i). By definition, virtues require a degree of activeness from ourselves, and the potential significant other. Thus, “falling in love” becomes “growing in love” (will revisit this point later in the post).
One wise friend argued, “more than anything in the world, look for a virtuous man/woman.” In other words, virtues should be the most important attributes to look for in our potential significant others. Our Catholic faith has a handy list of virtues but are not only limited to: faith, hope, charity, temperance, justice, fortitude, & prudence. In other words, look for a man/woman with faith, hope and charity (quite obvious)! Look for a man/woman with self-discipline (temperance) or courage. Look for a man/woman that is just, and wise (prudent) in his/her speech and actions.
Additionally, Saint Paul also recommends: look for a man/woman that is patient and kind; someone that is not jealous, boastful, arrogant nor rude; A man or woman who does not insist in his/her own way; Someone who strives for righteousness before God and others (1 Cor. 13:4-6).
But why virtues above other qualities like looks, romance, butterflies in the stomach, knot in the stomach?

• Beauty (physical looks) passes away with time. Romance cools off. Wealth is an uncertainty. Talents/gifts can be taken away (eg. accident).

• However, virtuous man/woman hold on to their virtues and wear them like their armour. Someone with faith, hope, and charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Cor. 13:7). Patience, kindness, justice, self-discipline do not easily leave a person.

 Unfortunately, our society has wired our brains to hold physical beauty above the things that actually matter. A man with beachbody, luxury car, and watch collection is far more desirable despite infidelity or dishonesty issues. A female with hour-glass figure, cute smile and high social life is preferred even though there is a lack of self-respect or unresolved baggages. I admit, these are some poignant exaggerations, but there are some truths to how we look at person of opposite gender.
Consequently, being attracted to a virtuous person proves to be a far more challenging task. It takes a tremendous effort to look past all these superficial ideals, and look for the person’s character; inner beauty; virtues.

 

It takes an act of will to move ourselves towards someone’s inner life, then learn to appreciate, value and love his/her character above anything else. Through this process, we learn to grow in love with someone.

 Most importantly, this process does not have us wait around forever to find that “perfect someone” that has been prepared for us. Don’t misunderstand me, God does have that special someone that He has prepared for us. But His perfect plan does not entail in us waiting for our emotions and senses to lead to that special someone. Instead, His perfect plan requires us to perfect the way we love through an active process. The first step is to change the ideals that we are seeking in opposite gender.

 My wise friend also pointed out, “there are so many virtuous men and women in our community (of CFC). There should be no reasons to hinder someone from having meaningful and fruitful relationships.” Of course, he does not mean that every one of us should go out the next day and ask someone out. NO, please don’t do that haha! His point is that there are so many people whose beauty go unnoticed because of our society’s twisted values of perfect men and women. In other words, we only need to open the eyes of our hearts to see how blessed we are; how beautiful we are.
So ladies and gentlemen, do not fall in love. Instead, seek to grow in love!

“O Master grant that I may never seek to be loved, as to love.” – Author Unknown