... the idea of writing an essay about my CLP journey was formed
during Talk 9 and I have put of writing it until we were again invited
to share our experiences thru various CFC-SFC multimedia sites during
one prayer assembly. Walking home after the PA - I prayed for God to
touch my heart and empower my mind as I try to translate the experience
and feelings into words in writing and this is what I wrote:
I am not really
a very religious person. I believe in God, I pray, I go to church, but I am not
really the type who would join a Christian community.
Unlike most of
the participants, I did not go looking for the Singles for Christ community, if
anything I try to run and wiggle my way out of any invitations to join. As a
person who is sort of an introvert, I am not really comfortable being with a
large group of people, I get easily embarrassed and am scared of looking silly
that the thought of joining a community wherein you are expected to ‘share’
your innermost thoughts and feelings; sing, dance and raise your hands in wild
abandon in praise and worship kind of scares me, so the thought of joining SFC
(or any ‘touchy feely, raise your hand enthusiastic’ organizations
for that matter) was the farthest thing on my mind, but six months ago I got an
invitation I could not say no to.
During my
intimate celebratory birthday dinner with two friends, our conversation drifted
off to SFC activities that one friend was busy with. The SFC Christian Life
Program has started and as one friend talked about it, the other cajoled her
into inviting me – I gave him the most powerful ‘death stare’ I could muster
and tried sending him a mental message telling him to drop the subject, it was
all I could do short of kicking him in the shins under the table just to shut
him up. I felt ‘cornered’ like a deer in headlights that to appease my friends
I just gave a non-committal ‘I will try’
to which my friend took positively, promising to pick me up at 8 AM the
following Friday.
When we got to
the place where the CLP talks were held, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe
how many people were there! There was even a registration table where I was
told to sign up, was given a pen and notepad. It would be very difficult for me
to slip out unnoticed I thought. I felt shy and self-conscious that I choose an
inconspicuous seat in the corner wishing I was Pascal – you know? Rapunzel’s
pet chameleon, so I could blend in the wall and be invisible. I also hoped that
there would be no ‘sharing and raise your hand exercises’. There was of course
and I felt a deep sense of anxiety not unlike the way I felt back in grade
school where my teacher randomly choose pupils to recite the multiplication table
(which I did not memorize) in front of the whole class.
The topic that
day was ‘Who is Jesus Christ’. I
expected to be bored but I was not. Listening to the speaker talk about Jesus Christ was like getting to see and reconnect
with your childhood friend again after years had passed. Times may have
changed, I may have changed but the bond still remains and there
is something comfortable about it, thus when we were asked if we were coming
back for the next meetings – although I wasn’t bold enough to proclaim it, in
my heart I heard myself saying ‘yes’ and so I did.
I admit – during
the first couple of Fridays, getting up early on my only day off from work was
a struggle but I gradually began looking forward to learning new songs and
listening to engaging speakers. Coming out of the CLP meetings you feel light
with happiness that is carried on for days not unlike the way I feel at times
coming home after a night of dining and movies with friends – I laugh and smile
in the moment but when I get home I feel sad and empty.
During the
course of the CLP, these feelings of emptiness and sadness were addressed in a
subtle yet powerful way. First was thru the song Life to the Full which
we first heard during talk 9 and second thru the verse of Isaiah 66:13
which I received on a slip of paper for a personal reflection part during our
first morning worship. I had never experienced anything quite like it before.
It was like God was directly speaking to me and giving me the assurance I was
looking for that I could not help but feel very emotional.
Being in the
CLP, I was not only reassured but empowered as well. For our Dedication day
presentation, my part required me to dance and act all ‘girly and sassy’ which
I really am not. All throughout my school life I shied away from anything that
would put me under the spotlight – me? Dance? Act? Oh no no no no!! I am happy
and comfortable working on props in the background, but it was an invitation I just
could not say no to.
During practice
I really had difficulty portraying the role I’m given. I woke up on D-day with
huge butterflies in my stomach, wanting to puke and poop at the same time. I
fervently asked to be empowered and waited with heart pounding as group
representatives were asked to draw lots to determine who will be the first to
present, as divine intervention would have it, we are to perform first and by
God’s grace and empowerment perform we did.
Before joining
SFC, I am also one of those people who wonder why people raise their hands in
prayer, I don’t really get it and there are times too that I scoff at those
people thinking maybe they are just over acting. It was only during the 12
Annual SFC National Conference that I understood why.
During the
praise fest I was so moved and consumed by the songs that I was singing at the
top of my lungs and actually felt the veins on my neck pop out, it was the
first time in the course of my SFC CLP journey that I raised my hands in praise
not just because everybody was doing it but because it felt right and natural.
The songs of
worship resonated with my whole being. It was like every particle of my
body wanted to proclaim ‘here I am Lord! guide me through my transformation
into someone worthy of you’ it was the moment that I understood and really
connected the action with the feeling. There was even a part during
break that I was singing along the band and I raised both my hands in the air
all shyness forgotten.
Lifting up my
hands in praise was me answering God’s call with open arms, accepting his
invitation, reaching out to him, asking him to touch my heart and soul and
becoming a witness of and for other people of God’s greatness. To
say that it was a touching and amazing experience would be an understatement.
As what I have
shared during the last CLP meeting (yes brothers and sisters! I stood up in
front and shared!!) “this is not the end but just the beginning… I am
excited and I look forward to growing with and in the Singles For Christ
community into someone who is pleasing in the eyes of God…”
I am still very
much a work in progress but I know that with the help of my SFC family and the
Grace of God – impossible is nothing.
For all of this may God be Praised!!!
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